Abstinence

in a Culture of Decadence

7.02.20

One could argue I don’t do well enough in this subject, to write about it. Not because I’m not a practitioner of abstinence, I am (again) rather, it’s because no matter how long my abstinence extends, I always feel like a novice in the execution of it. What I mean is, it is always a struggle for me. Never does it feel like I can put my guard down and forget my intention. Never does it feel like second nature. My refraining from sex, has no cruise control button. No autopilot. It is only through purposeful, specific, aware intention, and a focused creation of disciplines and habits built to preserve my original intention, that I am able to move on this path, with any semblance of success.

You have those who have mastered not having sex outside of marriage, as if their entire constitution was built free of its’ temptation. To me they are like finished sculptures, formed from cold slabs of marble-- strong, smooth, flawless, heavy, solidified, credible and grounded deeply in their place. No tipping. No leaning. No falling. Steady, like so. I applaud them. I envy them. “Them” are goals.

But, then you have those like me. Those who struggle, almost obviously. Their abstinence practice feels like a defiance of gravity. Less marble sculpture, more, a mismatched series of nearly complete and painfully chiseled wood carvings. You can sweep your hand over the surface and you are sure to find multiple imperfections, producing splintered finger tips, easily able to be concluded that: yep, definitely a work in progress. The type whose personality is almost built for the job of failing at abstinence (ie, addictive personality), but whose soul is built for the job of growing—especially if presented as a challenge. And that is me. I am that type. So who better to advise you on how to succeed in this area, in a culture that promotes the literal opposite of it. C’est moi. I’m your girl. And if you’re not familiar with this idea and you ask

“What is this? The 1800’s, good grief!” Well I get it. Especially since we live at a time where sex before you are married is frankly, as American as apple pie. Or racism. Or parties. Or beautified highway projects. Or guns. Or lustful text exchanges so popular the act earns a place in the dictionary: now known as Sexting. As American as… decadence itself. But that said— there are good reasons to choose abstinence. And at the top of the list: Your soul.

No matter how you paint it, the human being is a spiritual creation, having a physical experience. We tend to give our bodies all the attention, because we can see it. But ofcourse we know, its the things we can NOT see, that dictate and determine the joy we feel in our lives. Love, Friendship, Trust, Intellect, Appreciation, Discipline…. All unseen realities that are born from our physical experience. And without them, no matter what it looks like, we are miserable. This is the human soul. And it has a Creator. And that creator is God. In my faith, we believe God gave us rules, reasons and roles, as human beings, in order to maximize the mind, soul and human experience given to us. One of those rules was to stay away from sex, unless we are married. If God said it, there must be a very good reason. You’ll have to explore your reason for yourself. I know mine.

I don’t know what country you may be reading this from, but I live in the crown of Western society a la America, in which it is extremely easy to have and get anything you want, be it with or without any virtue. The popular culture we are surrounded by, and every so often, now and again, more likely than not, the popular culture that imprints itself onto our foreheads like temporary tattoos we had no idea were there until we have a job interview and lose the job because of it. A culture of complete sensation- devotion and unadulterated pleasure promotion (#bars). Besides the rare enclave of staunch religious communities, most of us live in a morally unconscious and misaligned America. Especially when you compare it to the spiritual ideal that those of us who follow classical religions subscribe to.

I’ve personally had to create a cocoon inside this America-- a “My America”. It’s one based in my religious principles and practices, that allows the values I subscribe to, and the way of life I follow, to do its job, inside of me, and serve its purpose in helping produce the results that manifest in the world outside of me. The blessing and the mercy-- (as opposed to luck and good fortune--- those words cheat God of His due credit) in it all, is that I have a faith that demands practice of its various “Do’s” and the strict avoidance of its “Don’ts”. I am Muslim and there is no “I am Muslim” without actually “doing” things to be Muslim. In my faith, God implores us to seek and reside upon “the straight way”. This means we live our life, in accordance with the actions and behaviors that keep us, on a way that is upright (and can be quite) difficult but it is most beneficial.

The status of being Muslim, implies a spiritual position, not just a title. Not just a word. Not just a name. The position is a vantage point, and it implies that we are working towards Peace, internalized. Peace born from the awareness of a higher God consciousness and through a lifestyle to compliment that consciousness. The position and the vantage point is the actualization of Peace in our lives. And lets be real. There is no cheating peace, in the same way we may cheat God. If you don’t do the things peace requires, you will. not. have. IT.

For me, the instructions in the Qur’an, (the Word of God) which is the Muslim Holy Book, is what has made the difference. For you, maybe it’s the Word of God known as the Bible. Or the Torah. To my knowledge, those are the only books and the monotheistic faiths (Islam, Christianity & Judaism) that discourage and forbid sex outside of marriage. I may be wrong. (Don’t sue me.)

But in my faith, God doesn’t just say “Don’t have sex outside of marriage”-- no, He gives the strategy to be successful, even in the wording of the commandment, by saying “Don’t even go near sex outside of marriage.” This means avoid the scenarios and circumstances that could bring you close to the act. It’s not merely, “hey, don’t do this”, but “Hey don’t even do the things that will lead you TO the doing of this thing.”

Imagine someone who is inclined to be a thief. Would it be wise of them to hang out in all their favorite stores when they have no intention of buying anything? Someone could argue, well, it will only prove their strength and their conviction, if they are in that environment and don’t steal. But isn’t it proving your strength and conviction to not put yourself in the position in the first place, where you have to strain and struggle. And, take an alcoholic, for instance. Should an alcoholic go to a bar and hang out? Or bring alcohol into their home? Is that wise? Is that proving their strength? Any person who has been a member of AA will tell you, NO. That’s not at all how you succeed. So, perhaps more than proving our strength, we need to rely on utilizing our wisdom. As the saying goes, work smarter, not harder.

My journey in abstinence has had its ups and downs. And I have had the most success when I was consistent in my spiritual rituals (prayer & fasting), reading my holy book, having God’s advice in consistent reminder and spending time with people who did the same. I was winning when I was cautious of my human influences and mindful of which behavior I would have. Winning when I made it a point to avoid spending time with men alone, and also when I restricted my musical influences to primarily higher consciousness music instead of romantic/sexually stimulating songs (R&B and Hip Hop). ( That helped a lot) Early on I made it a lifestyle choice to spend my nights in the house, instead of engaging overwhelmingly in social activities during the night hours-- I found this to be extremely helpful.

It was only in my consistent carelessness, through the small forgetful moments that spread out over time, that I decreased the sensitivity of my conviction, and created a more relaxed behavior pattern that helped me to “fall”. In other words, it starts small and the slow incremental neglects begin to deplete our guard over ourselves, to the point of engaging in sex outside of marriage. I promise you... It starts small.

Ultimately, we are all human beings and we will find ourselves in need of redemption over and over. But what I have learned is that an ounce of prevention is worth the pound of cure. Nothing replaces the peace that comes with respecting my soul's natural desire to please God first. Nothing in this world can measure up to the self-love that I feel when I know I am saving myself (again. And okay, lets try this again) for the union that God has taught is best for my soul and the community called humanity. There is no better feeling than doing things the way God has taught.

Yes I know very well the world we live in and the access it gives us. To EH thing. But... if the problem is that you can obtain anything your heart desires, then that is also the exact solution. We have to change our hearts so that it starts to desire the things that will please God. In such a world of decadence, (especially in such a world of decadence) we will never reach our highest heights if we don’t resist. If we don’t fight the good fight and use discipline.

God created our soul. God knows what helps, and what hurts that soul. So isn’t it also for Him to say what that soul should do, or not do, in order to OPTIMIZE the gift of life, we have been given, here on this earth? I think we all can agree that more discipline in our lives is exactly what we need to have greater success. Achieving this doesn’t make us better than anyone else, because only God knows our hearts. But it makes us our best, and most evolved self. And this is what I will constantly struggle to be. And if I fall, I will get back up, and try again.

Splinters and all.