Zaimah means leader.

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As a child, I was formed by my fathers hands. As an adult, I was formed by my mothers. My father was a serious student of Arabic and he gently encouraged me to devote myself to this as an early teen, so I did. My father was a student of human psychology, and he gave me the same tools through endless conversations, breaking down human behavior. To this day, I see through those eyes. Self-development was my fathers passion. He would listen to Les Brown on repeat and then have me repeat after him, speaking affirmations over my life. Because of this, I am passionate about nothing more, than reaching my highest internal heights as a human being. I was assigned homework and given challenges by my dad, and this helped me to stretch my mind and expand my own self. As a result, he created a daughter who naturally loves challenges, (and is quite competitive), grows from and is inspired by, in particular, masculine leadership.

Masculine energy was my most favorite source to learn and receive guidance from. It was kind of like a first language for me and I instinctively felt that I was in good hands while under upright masculine influence, due to the foundation my father built within me, from his example.

And that was fine, until it wasn’t.

I reached a point where the woman I was deep down, struggled to emerge. This struggle revealed a timidity, a laziness in critical-thinking, a deficit in self-reliance and an inability to thrive independently, if I was not attached to a man. I had acquired much good, but also not so good. Due to the years of dependence on someone else providing the financial means, spiritual explanations, and life answers, I was unable to be self-sufficient. Ultimately, it was my lack of acknowledgement of my own leadership capacity in my life, which I was required to have in my life, that was my undoing.

I just couldn’t see how I could grow without direction offered from a mans mind. Without a vision seen from a mans eyes. And without my heart being grounded in a man’s heart first. I was used to my father and then at 19 years old, that conditioning transferred over to my husband, and so then it became his job to carry me, and light the way. Yes. It was a blessing to be a young African American woman who had this covering, but it also caused a disadvantage as the required elevation needed in my life as a woman and a human individual, was being neglected, by me and me alone. My perceived luxury created my imbalance. So it would require that I go without that luxury, if I was going to progress.

In my journey, I eventually had to evolve into a woman who relied upon herself. I had to find what I needed alone, absent of a man. God knew best what I needed and He provided my education, at the right time and within a highly effective learning environment. It hurt. Boy did it hurt. But I needed it. So. Slowly things began to shift. My father passed away. My marriage soon after, failed. My spiritual leader passed away. And soon I found myself alone. Being alone was nothing I ever knew of, nor did I have ANY desire to know it well. I struggled so much. It hurt so badly. My life felt off kilter without masculine leadership at the head of my life. I was left with my lonesome self (*no, but God!) to rely upon. God was transforming me from the person masculine leadership formed me into, making me into the one God himself, wanted me to be.

It took years of pain and resistance, self reflection and self determination, erasure of self doubt and acknowledgement of my own excellence, before I started to see who Zaimah truly was, without a man as the determining factor. But don’t get me wrong. I ran like crazy, looking for a new shell to cover and protect me. I was like a hermit crab who lost its’ shell, needing a new one, lest it be crushed. But I couldn’t have a new one, in anyone except myself. I had to become my own shell. And by Gods Grace and Mercy, I did.

Today I am whole, self- reliant, inspired, courageous, independent, and filled with hard-fought growth and development, because of — not in spite of, being single for nearly 7 years. It was difficult, however... “Joy cometh in the morning.” After doing my due diligence, devoting my reliance upon God and myself, (kicking and screaming part of the way 😊) my balance has returned. I am blessed by God to be provided with an opportunity to be inspired and given an environment for growth, through the vehicle of masculine leadership once again. God grows us and directs us, teaches us and provides a life curriculum, specifically for us and with our needs as individuals, in mind. And His underlying motive, is always Mercy. I thank God for His classrooms and the signs, showing me I am on the right track. I am truly grateful to reach a place inside that I can return to being influenced by Masculine leadership. I would not have gotten there, if I had not found the leader inside my own self first. After all...

6.15.20

My Return to Being Influenced by Masculine Leadership